wish i knew how

the 7 mins that changed my life

2006-11-07T10:54:00.000-08:00

I feel everyone's eyes on me, thinking, asking, Whats worng with that girl? But me, i'd vaguely know and wonder what i cld do to help. is that wrong? Is that whats wrong? what makes me different?

I study in this institution that has something as insignificant as a tumbler chained down to a wall. Why wont they understand control isnt the solution? This crazy disciplining isnt the answer. Why? They say its character that makes or breaks someone... i'd say emotions make or break someone. ( i know its vague and doesnt make sense but it does to me in my state of mind) Its that simple. All you need is to talk. Really, ask someone how they feel, why they do the things they do? Every problem can be solved. I'm 21 and i understand that. Why is it so difficult for a 60 something man to understand? i feel like i'm not the one who should be in class, he is. So many unhappy people, students, doesnt he ever ask why?Doesnt it upset him that the ones he is supposed to guide and groom are so unhappy? doesnt it ever occur to him that may be its coz of the way he runs the show? why wont anybody ask, talk , really say what they feel? i know i'm not the only one, why does it feel like i am?

ok, this is what happened to me. my first interview, like anyone else, i was nervous, eager, unsure if i'll ever be completely prepared. Then, it turned into one of the most important events of my life. I ended up coming 7 mins late for the group discussion! thats all it took... 7 mins. i was shocked, baffled, in my head i could hear voices sayin, ' this isnt happening' as i sat there being reffered to as no 6 listenin to echoes of voices, talking about something that for a few would become the most important discussion of their lives so far. i finally heard my voice, my mouth spurting words out, till i finally tuned in and spoke. Felt like the middle of a battle field where i had one bullet and a hundred others in my opposition I still came victorious.

my heart stopped, i cld feel the warmth of my breath against my dry lips, within my parced mouth, when i heard my name being announced. i had made it thru that round. and right after that i was told that it didnt matter. i wasnt going to be allowed to sit for the next round. i waited all day, the next day, hoping things would change, the tears didnt stop. but i still had to go there and do my thing. so i powdered my nose and painted my lips and hoped honesty would be enough.the only thought in my head was that 3 ppl who knew me for 15mins clould look beyond those 7 mins but 3 yrs in an institution and not one person could. is that what i really deserved after having good grades, attendance, the participation? Thats all that hurt, not that my 1st job interview wont happen or that i wouldnt get the job i wanted but the thought that my own college didnt believe in me. my mother apologised to me that day for putting me in this institute, a 21 yr old that she brought up and held in her womb for 9 months before i tore out of her skin and cried while she screamed with pain, the joy of having me. She who has never been in a compromising situation and has apologised to no one now apologised to her own chil coz of one man. A man who has been trusted and respected for the position he holds and the life he has lived. In that one moment i lost all respect, felt no fear, just felt insulted and small. i still met with the panel and got the job. Now after standing for 3 days outside the gates of my college, begging to be heard, i had earned myself a job against all odds, after being chased and spied upon. did it really satisfy him to have put me through all of that? make him feel any better? Today he wont give me the credit i deserve, everyone else recieved the offer letter from him, but for me it was left in the hr, the college wouldn't send my letter of acceptance.

this institute that promised to groom me and make me a competent human being has excluded me, isolated me in my moment of joy. i ask again, did that satisfy him? isnt he happy that against the odds i could convince 3 strangers to employ me and trust me. give me a job. doesnt that make me competent? i dont understand how it gives him joy? i will never know if i would have made it thru the better program. they ask me if i am satisfied, how can i be, when i ont know what i cld hve got given the chance. i believe i would hv got it. i do!but i'll never know will i?

Glory to the world!

2006-09-29T12:12:00.000-07:00

my my its been unbelievably long since i did this. So happy now cant believe i'm blogging. In 2 of my closest friends place. listening to good music and watching these guys play poker. hvnt been so amused in a long time.

making time to see these guys often. its been a while since i've had them around. feels good. feels like old times. feel like i've lost my inhibitions. knew i felt insecure abt so much just 4 months ago. so happy and content. glad. and the best part... its been me all the way. love today for how i feel right now. guess thats the reason i'm blogging after a million years. want to remember this forever, its been a while since i used that word.

so easy to have clear thoughts, honest conversations... whole hearted... nice conversations. And if some one knows me really well is reading this they will be surprised... they would understand when i say " i dont need to know everything all the time".

Its so nice to have my life back on track... cld cry coz i'm happy for the first time in a long time.
gosh, there's so much happening around me and today i cldnt care less. been so scared of changing in this place. So glad i haven't. Gosh i trust my instincts again. Havn't felt so myself in such a long time. Feels good.

oh well... cant sleep

2006-06-17T14:52:00.000-07:00

there's not much on my mind... weird but true... my best fried got married... cant believe it.. surprisingly i didnt cry and i'm sure my boyfriend agrees. he says i cry for everything. which i do. will see him in 2 days oh so exited. i love blogs for the people to keep track of whats going on with people they care about. make things so easy.. so uncomplicated. Feels like communication in any other form could be quite a burden while all you want to know is the general happenings of life. wow just a year left in college. wonder where all the time went. some people feel older, some dont want to be part of the rat race, some dont care but me.. its seems like i had it all planned out to perfection that i wonder what i'd do if they dont happen( like all my other futuristic plans). Scary how things are going to change but well come to think of it things change everyday we just dont realise. Wish i could be this practical with everythin. You know what they say mind over heart but nah thats not me. Dont think i'll ever be that person. It would take a lotta patience or a lotta pain for me to turn that way. Its such an effort understanding change, so much easier to forcefully not care, but well it all comes back some day and then you go " i wish....." so much you want to do differently from the past but well the past makes my present and future and for all that i crib i'm pretty ok... yeah i know i pose to be such a baby and such a weakling guess its time to pull up my socks and be the responsible person i've been running away from. Its 3.30 in the mornin and i cant sleep. Oh i have stuff to do tomm, go over to my best friend's place, shop......( hate it, but have to), test driving the aveo... yay! call people... gosh at some point this was like a routine and today its like such a burden. Cant believe i'm finally gonna go on my dream holiday( my during coll trips) somehow things i've wanted to do havent really happened. Can u believe i havent gone to goa... livin 4 hrs from there... and every tom, dick and harry have been there.. such a shame( not really... just a figure of speech). wanting to do that for the last 3 yrs. another close friend is coming down in a couple of weeks gonna see her after almost 2 yrs... i'm so exited. this has been quite a summer so far... and guess wat no plannin at all... think thats the direction i'm headed. i'm writing some vague... arbid stuff.. almost like having a conversation with myself. think i'll try and get some sleep... hate this insomnia......

Dunno y

2006-03-04T07:35:00.000-08:00

its so weird..... my thoughts and how the smallest things affect me so much. today is like a really low day. i jus feeling like sobbing to mybest friend but i've forgotten how to call and cry to my friends coz thats the only time i call them. hate how they have no clue wat i'm upto. wish i mailed more often but just dont get to doing it. hate how i cant talk to my boyfriend abt my depressing days. hate how he still doesnt understand my moods. wish i knew how i could fix my life.

i try really hard not to get affected by how others treat me but its so hard. one of my really good friends i dont really know wat to call him any more coz we barely talk i dont feel like talking abt my life coz of his attitude. he pays so much attention to things and ppl he doesnt even really care abt or tats jus my assumption that he doesnt care. either ways i dont like how things are with us. i'm jealous sometimes but then again i dunno wat he ever wants. he doesnt ever expect anythin. makes it seemlike he doesnt need any one and thats truly how i think my boyfriend feels abt me. i dunno i jus feel so unimportant and left out of every1s life and i hate how alone i've become and how i blog only wen i'm depressed how i'm stuck in a relationship that isnt going anywhere. wonder if my boyfriend even remember's that i blog. wonder if he ever gets curious to know wat i write and if i write abt him and wat i wld say. but he doesnt even care. i'm like this piece f entertainment or something. wish these thoughts went away but the stronger they get evryday. i hate my life........l

2006-02-20T09:02:00.000-08:00

So… I broke up with my boyfriend who I’ve been seeing for the last year and abt 2 months. thought I wld go crazy get depressed and all that. But I’m so used to the fights I guess it just doesn’t hurt any more. Or may be I’m in denial. I’m not sure which one….i’m scared of course that I’m alone again. But I dunno some how feel strnger this time. I broke up with him on Saturday and its not like we haven’t before… but it has never been this long. And well we almost patched up today till he got drunk and told me all that reminded me why I broke up with him in he first place. Somehow he seems to be the only boyfriend I’ve had who has called me selfish, a liar, a bitch and u can guss the rest… and sometimes I feel like I don’t know myself enough coz I wonder if there is any truth in what he says. Then I think again that how is that he is the only one who has ever felt this way… I’ve had 7 boyfriends before him and none of them were perfect but I wasn’t a lying bitch or selfish. It used to hurt to hear these words but today it seemed like I knew every word that was going to come out of his mouth before he said it.

I haven’t been a very happy person and no matter what I’m definitely a reason for it in some small way or may be it was mostly my fault( which I don’t see) and today hearing those words from someone who has known me a year, been wih me day in and day out should have hurt.. it did but I am not able to get myself to react. I cant cry any more coz that’s all I’ve done this last year or so. I’m not sad about this ending but I’m sad what I’ve done with my life. I feel like I’ve given up everythin to make him happy and I still get this. I don’t know how to feel and I cant think of anyone else to blame but me. I promised myself that I’d take care of myself. I danced today for 3 hours after more than 3 years. It felt good. I miss it. I’m going to start swimming again. I know I’ll make time to keep thigs the way I want. But that doesn’t change that I have no one to share it with. No friends, away from family. Just broke up with the guy I’ve been so madly in love with for the last year or so and now I feel this emptiness in my life and I think to myself I’m only barely 21. I don’t look forward to doing anything or being with anyone. Some how being so different from the rest of the world doesn’t seem so good right now and I wish I were just like them coz it would make it so much easier to go through all of this. Uncomplicated simple life of mine.. I’m not sure I know where I messed it up so much.

This Sunday I was on a beach with a bunch of people I couldn’t relate to, have a conversation with but I still went through the whole day without feeling alone or depressed and though I culdnt relate to the fun they were havin I understood it. The simplest things made them happy and I remember those same things made me happy at some point of my life. I dint need a boyfriend or a lo of money nor did I have the hippest friends but every one of those moments were true and every one of them will stay with me all my life. If u think about it… the so called loosers have the best life coz it’s the simplest things that make them happy. The slightest bit of attention or appreciation is all they need to go through life. And right now I don’t remember having more fun when I did those things than like living the way I am. Leaves me with the most uncomfortable thoughts, I’m living this meaningful life with no memories but that I will remember forever. I wish I knew how……..

before and now

2005-11-27T08:52:00.000-08:00

A little history.... i wasnt the anti social i am now. i've always had a lot of friends very very different from each other.. very happy that way coz it brings out all the different me's. Not that i was fake or unlike myself in anyway to any of them but coz i'm just a lotta people put together sometimes.. i am a geminian if thats some reason. i've not particularly had a great childhood on the family front n again a lot of others havent either, for me, the only thing that kept me sane and happy through it all were my friends. Most of them older n i thank them as they have been a big influence in me becoming the person i am now. I've always been very certain about things but have also been very vulnerable n my friends made up for that. have never really felt alone at any point as long as they were there no matter what it was, boyfriends, folks, exams, results whatever... they were always there.

But now, i'm having to go through life, my problems the happiness or the lack of it all by myself. and its not like i cant turn to my old friends but how long do i stand by them but its not particularly easy doing this alone. the college i go to, there arnt many i would even try and share my thoughts with let alone my life and for this reason i've grown to become a very anti social person, i say grown coz it has taken me something to become wat i am. i've had to change a lot. i am a stronger person, but happy? i'm not so sure. i cant believe that i've become someone who walks alone, when i had atleast 3 people with me most of the time otherwise. i've lost the capability to seek a friendship from someone, find some closeness. Mostly becoz i'm scared and partially becoz i'm not sure they want that. i dont like very much what i put my old friends through but like they say, time heals all and truly i've grown to this person i am in a passage of time and i guess thats given them enough time to adapt or so i believe. i hope i'm right coz the last thing i want is to hurt the ones who've always been there for me.

just a thought

2005-11-03T05:10:00.000-08:00

so i'm sitting in this tiny cafe waiting for my boyfriend to finish with his mails. its nice and chilly outside. spending a week with him. its one of those things i never thought i would do. jus so much to grow from and so much to cope with i wonder how my life moves on wen i seeem to b in the same place. i hate the culture here. i cant walk down the street without atleast 5 people wondering if i'm a whore. ur out with a couple of guys and its embarrassing. women are jus the givers and nobody wants to bother givin back. its not like its a return favour but some apprciation is welcome.dont know and cant seem to understand how shallow and pityful life is here. kids under the age of 10 abuse. where is their childhood. wen will they b innocent and ignorant wen did being a child meaning coping up with this crazy fucking world. but never mind. glad i dont live here. its like the ultimate night mare, the worst is i dont think any1 even realises i seem to b living in my isolated make belief world as the people around me find it normal to go through life the way they do. i dont think naive is a term that could ever be used for a delhite. he's born straight into the big bad world. i'm glad i had my chance at being an innocent, naive, ignorant child. but i wonder wats worse, growing up in the bad world or having to deal with it after you have grown up... leave me your after thoughts

so confused

2005-10-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

feels like i'll never recover from all the pain. cant remember the last time i was really happy.. in its true sense. cant remember the last time i wrote something happy. but i guess there's always something worthwhile in expressing youself.so confused.. cant seem to figure out where i started to fall apart n where to start to try and build it all back. wonder if its worth all the trouble. there's something i realise, see or hear that hurts me everyday. somehow seem to remember all the depressing moments find it impossible in me to find the happy times. even if i do feels like a lie. not sure if i'm part of the world around me anymore. have friends i cant call friends. a boyfriend i care about a lot but dunno why. cant seem to accept the people around me cant seem to change. wonder if i'll ever find a way to be happy again. its true, no money can buy you the happiness that you find in the small things in life like the rain pouring down, the smell of the damp soil after the rains. beautiful sunset or sunrise. a full moon day or just a smile on the face of someone you love. seems like i refuse to see that i can b happy. not sure how or where i seem to lose myself but i have somewhere in the middle of all this growin up.. left alone and so confused.....